A couple of (painful) laughs
A couple of friends suggested that it’s ok to post some relatable humor among all the numbers, stats, facts and issues. This post is just for laughs, and not meant as an insult to any patients or professionals who have reason to deal with pain charts and pain contracts.
Medical Establishment Pain Contract
The purpose of this agreement is to present the Medical Establishment to be fully cooperative with any laws, rules or demands, real or imagined, from any government agency, department or official, no matter what area of responsibility, while making clear to the patient that receiving any legally-sanctioned pain care for any injury, infection or defect, no matter how well-documented, is subject to cessation at any time with no notice. Any attempt by the patient to seek further pain treatment will constitute a state of “denial” which is well-known to be incontrovertible evidence of addiction, and will preclude any future pain treatment.
I_______________(Patient) understand that treating severe pain with reliable dosages of opiate drugs is associated with potential physical and psychological risk of turning into a living-dead zombie, incapable of any non-destructive activity, also known as an “addict.” Even though there is no reliable scientific evidence to support the claim that opiates cause law-abiding pain patients to lose the capacity to recognize right and wrong or lose the ability to continue to live as a law-abiding citizen, the government wants us to act as if this were the case to justify harsh punishments for use of opiates except under the most narrow and closely-supervised conditions.
I_______________(Patient) understand that signing this agreement is intended to remind me that the Medical Establishment, my doctor, my pharmacist, and all federal, state and local authorities have the right to decide at any time that it is too dangerous to their financial health or status in the community to take my side if anyone representing any level of authority – down to deputy dog catcher – decides for any reason to object to further medical treatment of my pain.
I_______________(Patient) will be provided a 28-day supply of pain medication at one time and will see the doctor in person to get the next month’s supply, just to remind me that being a pain patient means that I am, by definition, in need of paroled-murderer levels of supervision.
I_______________(Patient) agree that only one medical doctor will prescribe all my pain medication, and that receiving a prescription from any other doctor is grounds for revoking this agreement, because nothing else requiring treatment could ever possibly happen to me, and of course nothing requiring treatment could occur while my one and only doctor is traveling, sick or unconscious.
I_______________(Patient) will fill all my prescriptions at one pharmacy because that is not and could never conceivably be a pain in the tuchus. It’s not like the government has any mechanisms in place for tracking prescriptions, even though there are probably satellites currently in orbit that can track an individual pill from outer space in real time. I will show photo ID to the pharmacist every time I pick up a prescription even if it is from the same person who has filled my prescriptions for over ten years and knows my middle name and date of birth by heart.
I_______________(Patient) will pee in a cup on demand, at any and all appointments, as well as on 24 hours notice, just to prove that I actually take the medication that I have gone through this much effort to obtain via legal prescription. I will pay $200 per test, even though a 12-drug screen is available at local discount stores for less than $40, because that’s $160 I will never be tempted to spend on street drugs.
I_______________(Patient) will never take any street drugs because this will result in termination of this agreement, which obviously must be hung over my head at all times because it’s not like a law-abiding pain patient would refrain from illegal activity merely because it is illegal. I_______________(Patient) must be reminded that there are many people who believe I might at any time break the law.
I_______________(Patient) won’t drink any alcohol ever, not even a glass of champagne at midnight on New Year’s Eve, at the top of the Eiffel Tower on my friend’s 100th birthday, because alcohol and opiates are far too dangerous a combination, even though laudanum, a mixture of opium and alcohol, was once a widely-used multi-purpose remedy. I probably shouldn’t even take any over-the-counter remedies or eat any poppyseed muffins, just in case I accidentally fail a urine test, or live like a normal human being for 5 minutes.
I_______________(Patient) agree to never receive nitrous oxide when having major dental care to prevent triggering an addiction. Not because there is any science that suggests that such a thing could happen, but because a party conversation in the 1950s (when two AA members speculated on whether aspirin or mouthwash could trigger an alcoholic to want to take a drink) has in subsequent years mutated into the most robust existing analog of an immortal cell line among mind viruses.
I_______________(Patient) agree to never share even one pill with anyone ever, no matter how well I know the person nor how severe the pain emergency. I agree to be prepared to either watch another person suffer severe pain or give up all future hope of treatment of my own pain. Because it’s not like Sophie’s Choice if nobody dies, right?
I_______________(Patient) agree to arrange appointments with, and act on all recommendations of any psychiatrist or psychologist I may be ordered to see, whether to give the Medical Establishment an appearance of keeping close supervision on a patient receiving pain treatment, confirming the patient’s level of compliance and/or intimidation remains at an elevated level, or to spread potential income among congenial professionals.
I_______________(Patient) agree that anything less that perfect compliance will result in termination of this agreement. I agree that this agreement can be withdrawn at any time for any reason with no notice even if I_______________(Patient) have been in perfect compliance. I_______________(Patient) agree that I am probably a terrible person for even being willing to make everybody go through all of this just to acquire dangerous narcotics for personal pain from a condition that isn’t even going to kill me, while the government is expending so much effort to protect us all from the dangers of drugs. I understand the existence of patients consuming high doses of opiates while leading functional and law-abiding lives puts at risk the public’s continuing belief in in the narratives that justify on-going government anti-drug activities.
Notice: This agreement is not applicable to pain from cancer or terminal illness. It only applies to severe pain from any condition that is impossible to improve with medical science but will not actually kill the patient. Cancer is scary shit, and if cancer patients want to shoot morphine into their bodies with a firehose, fine with us. Ditto for terminal illness. We don’t even want to talk about it.
Signed: _______________ date: ________ Signed: ________________________ date: __________
Print Name: ________________________ Print Name:_____________________________________
Patient Medical Provider